You know I didn't really expect you to like me back, because, you know, it's never worked out before for me. But like, seriously? Every new one was more and more unwarranted, unneeded, unwanted, so why do I feel like I've been cheated? I specifically avoided you so this wouldn't happen but you chose to talk to me that day. I don't like coming across as a bitter little bitch or anything but fuck, even when I try to be smart, even when I try to avoid falling for it, I get caught anyway, and now here I am, upset. Nothing new here, folks. Boy gets upset that girl doesn't like him. We've all heard it 100 fucking times so why does the pain still surprise me? Why is it that you were the best one yet, even though all the previous ones before you were also the best ones yet. But no, I really mean it. You are the best one yet, even by objective standards. Really, listen. I know I'm stupid but I'm not so stupid that I can't see you don't like me the way I like you. But I swear to God I'm the best ever at seeing shit that aint there. I'll take the smallest things and misinterpret them so that my hope doesn't fly away, so that I can keep dreaming, so that I can hold onto that flame that I felt the first time I liked you. That flame that turns your vision into a kaleidoscope of beauty that makes time slow down and transforms 70% of the waking day into a daydream of me making you laugh. I swear it aint lust, but I mean, I still think you're beautiful. But not in that way, I swear. I mean, in that way, too, but that isn't the main thing. It's just that I'm so inexpressibly happy around you. Like, so happy that heroine is your bitch. The kind of feeling that makes you scared of the thought it could go away, no terrified. I KNOW IT. REALLY, I do. I figured it out after the first 2 girls, I swear. But fuck, man. I know that it means nothing, and that I'm young, and that in college there's gonna be a hundred girls that fit want I want but I hate that thought because it implies that what I'm feeling right now isn't special. Why is it so hard to take personal responsibility? I know it isn't your fault but can it really be my fault? No one likes hearing they're not good enough. Look at me, trying my best to make myself beautiful and shit, and then you're just gonna say it's not enough? My everything isn't enough? I KNOW you aren't saying my existence is inadequate but why does it sound like the same thing in a different language? I wanna respond to your refusal by laughing, crying, yelling, smiling and saying it's alright, and saying "Well it's not like it mattered anyway" but that last thing's a fucking lie because it IS a big deal, and I can't let you make me happy if I also don't give you the power to make me sad. And I'm not about to have zero expectations for people because then I may as well say goodbye to color in my life. What is this I'm feeling, now, jealousy? I thought I was done with that emotion. No, only children know that feeling and I'm not nearly insecure enough to feel that. It doesn't mean anything anyway, but why does it seem like you're saying he fits the necessary criteria but not me? No, I love the guy, he's been my friend for a decade, I couldn't be jealous of him if I tried. I'm happy for him. Yea, that's all. But also, I have this demon bubbling up in my stomach feeding me malicious thoughts about you and I HATE it. I don't want it, and I know that none of it is YOUR fault, either. You gave my life color, even when I didn't ask for it. So it's only fair you also take that color away, and I know that even though I'm back to where I was before I met you, the recession back to this point on the x-axis can only be interpreted as net loss and worse, missing an opportunity that only happens a few times a lifetime, or the 3rd time in mine. You're just so beautiful, and I'm so scared that I'm not good enough. I can hardly bear the fact that I'm not worthy of your love, but I'll get over it. I know I will, even if I don't believe it right now. Time is the greatest remedy in the universe, and eventually these chemicals will simmer down, and maybe, in another two years, they'll show themselves again for someone like you. Sorry, I thought I'd try this as a means to vent. Love not returned is one of the more painful things in life, and I thought that I would kind of jot down the chaos that it seems to prescribe right here, where other people can see that with time, things will get better, and that they aren't alone in their pain. I also want to say that I believe that the best way to move on is not by blaming the girl (or the guy) but by blaming yourself. Resentful people who refuse to take personal responsibility will never grow up or get better. Don't give up, everyone.