hi all. im typing this on my phone so ignore any mistakes. But i thought I'd let out all the stuff that's been going on, it helps to get it out so im gonna do that. and this is rare for me to be so open about my issues and stuff soooooo, this morning, 22/12/16(dd/mm/yy) my great grandmother passed. it was hard on all of my family. especially my grandma (one of her 6 kids) whom i live with. i was there for my great gma through it all and she got worse and worse. at the end she weighted so little. my grandma did so much for her and everything in her power. my great grandmother was such a strong and beautiful woman. i loved her a lot. it was always so much fun going to their house.(lost my great grandpa in 2012).i watched the funeral home take her out of the house. Seeing all this was super hard for me. Im so privileged to even had relationships with my great grandparents. a lot of people dont have that. this year ive lost my great uncle Tim, one of my best friends and my great gma. i fear so so so much that my Papa will be next. i cannot express in words that he is my life. i love him so much. it's also my grandmas birthday on the 26th so that sucks a lot. Next thing, my mental state has been... questionable. about 3 or 4years ago (age 13/14) i was diagnosed w/bpd(bipolar disorder) because of multiple manic and depressive episodes which lead to hospital care and shit. i have fear of being sent to a mental institution but gladly that hasn't happened yet. Over the years ive learned so much on how to deal with my mental illnesses. it's still not okay but im proud of myself for making it this far and never take a moment for granted. i try to spend every moment right and cherish it. lately my mood swings have sucked a lot. they're different like i change over 2days. My dr doesn't understand. so another thing that i have never been open about is my undiagnosed ptsd. i try and avoid talking about it. But lately I've been tryin to come to terms. i have a lot of disassociation. a lot of of uncomfortable/unfortunate things have happened to me that i won't disclose here. but it feels good to get it out. my anxiety has been outta hand as well. I have near 7-9 panic attacks a day. Im restless while sleeping. And i have a fear of dying in my sleep cus of sleep apnea. +other impending health issues which cause me to go to the hospital a lot. ive been late my meds and well i shouldn't skip days. i never miss breathing treatments but my pills I do. i have a bad heart and lungs. my lungs fill with liquid sometimes and swell. my heart gets inflamed. plus a heart murmur. ive been blessed that my grandparents care. so glad that i get care. my parents don't really care a lot but that's not for here. i have also came down with getting migraines which i love so much! (Sarcasm) ok off that topic, i try my best to be optimistic. i look to spread kindness and peace throughout the world. Already done it so much and it joys me. helping others little or small brightens my day. I want to be a better person everyday and sometimes I get all stressed out and feel terrible for not doing everything right but you know what? I am human. I will learn from my mistakes and I will treat people better. I am learning and I can’t hate myself for learning. I can’t hate myself for messing up sometimes. It’s all about the things you take away at the end of each day. That’s where your day ends but hopefully that’s where tomorrow begins. i try and improve myself every minute. It's over whelming sometimes. a lot has happened to me this year. through death, mental and physical health, abuse from my parents and so on but i love looking at the positive. Even the little things. im almost a year clean. i got a new car. my musical. So so many amazing roles in theatre (Cinderella rn omg!!!) Progression of my skills my amazing grades being alive HAMILTON AN AMERICAN MUSICAL MOANAAAA meeting and helping people going to concerts and events new music, film and art!!!! and sooo much more. My transition (yeet im a brave tran) my family is v unsupportive of me but ive been talking to my grandma about starting T and she said i might be able to!! i can't wait. so excited to further it. My papa called me "Sebastian my oldest grandson" and it makes me feel soooo happy. i want top surgery too. i hope that more can become supportive. im trying to file for emancipation so i can make all my descions myself. i still wish I wouldn't get misgender so much but it happens. i look and feel v masculine cus i work out. got pretty buff ok. im still short (5'0, 99 lbs). learning to become body posi! Boys can be short and wear makeup ok. alright I've written enough even though ive felt so alone lately, it feels amazing to get some things out even though Ppl might not care. thanks for listening. you matter and you exist for a reason. If you didn't know that, now you do. i love you all a lot.
I know these passes are difficult but in time you'll come to peace with it. If you ever need someone to let anything out to you know how to contact me. Please try to stay on track with your meds because not doing so makes the situation a whole lot more stressful Besides that, I've seen you posting both sides of a situation, the neg and pos which is good for you to see them both. Keep being optimistic, you've gotta fake it 'till you make it right? I'm here for ya and so are many others We love you so much too
thank you!! so much!! Double post,sue me hi so i thought I'd comment on this again since it means so much to me. everything(the funeral, showing, burial) has passed and it's time to "move on". I'm learning to accept it. I am so excited for the new year to be here. For me it's going be a new fresh beginning. Of course I'm going to be doing a lot of the same shenanigans I was before but so many new experiences are going to come alive. recently my mother whom i do not have the best relationship with was put on a heart monitor. I have no idea what's wrong with her. Really hoping it's nothing bad. I've been trying not to isolate myself, thanks to a few people I've been getting into Skype calls and talking. I'm still not 100% but it's getting better. (Until it gets worse) Last night I had a very hard time breathing and had to take an extra treatment. So there's that update.
Looks like you have had some struggles throughout the year, I feel bad for you. You must me a brave person to come out on the internet with all this. I want you to know that the internet isn't just some place where you have to hold back on things. There are real people behind the screens and they are human as well. Keep your fight and build relationships with your family. They are family and they do love you. I can tell they are going through a acceptance stage, and I encourage you to take them into the new stage... Norming. It is a place where u can get your strengths. Soon enough your will be in the performance stage and will be doing your best. You can find more details on this team leadership system online. Finally, I wish you the best of luck. Don't let barricades that get in your way win. Create a Vision and set goals to achieve it. And Remember, If you can see it, you can be it!
Sorry to hear about your great grandmother passing. You'll learn to move on, trust me. Keep looking at the positives :)
hi! thank you for your sweet message. building reletionships with most of my family(mostly my parents) is kind of hard for me. its not a teen angst thing or anything. its the traumatic things that they've both put me through. which i wont go in great detail about. thank you for your wonderful message! i've dealt with death before so i am used to it. --- i appreciate the support! 2017 has been going well, so far... on terms of school and doing things that i wanna do. so my aunt was lifelighted to a hospital across the city today because she had a brain aneurysm. they were going to do surgery but the bleeding severe and in a hard to reach part of the brain. From what I've studied on brain aneurysms, depending on the place in the brain; you survive. but i am not sure on her. She is currently in a coma. i am going to drive to see her tomorrow. very worried. (dble post sue me)
Good luck with your aunt! My mom has a brain aneurysm and we found out about it years ago. We didn't know what to do, and she couldn't complete the surgery because there was no chance of it succeeding. Right now she's doing pretty well for it, but she has other health conditions that need to be figured out as well aha. Even if, it sounds like the case with your aunt is more serious. I hope that she's okay and wakes up soon.
hi update, my aunt is came out of surgery on monday and ive been driving very far to see her. but thats okay. i love her. its a very slow process, so we will wait and see. as for me, i went to the hospital yesterday because of heart pains, very bad migraines and i couldn't breathe. they gave me a diagnosis but i don't quite remember exactly what it is called. in my heart (well in all hearts) there's a part called the artrium and mine has a hard time doing its job and is very stressed. its weak and the vessels around it are stretched. i'll be fine for now but soon i will be going back to my heart doctor for a echo of my heart. when they were doing tests last night there was a tremor in the ekg (because of my heart murmur) i still do breathing treatments and such, just put on some new medicine. i'll be okay. i'm feeling okay. have a good day/night ilu
