Bad Days

Life sucks it's always been me against everyone
I'm so unlucky why doesn't anything go my way
I can feel myself spiraling into depression again
This is all so confusing and I don't even know my own personality anymore or how I should act or if this ego I'm developing is the real me or if I'm putting the real me in the shadows so I can keep going right now

I can't bear to be told I'm something I know I'm not and the people that call me those things I wish I could make suffer for all the suffering they've given me and then that way I'd be even with them but then I'd also be a worse person for stooping to their level and because I have to be the best person I can be I have to let it go, but there's only so much I can let go before I just feel naive and immature for trying to be the bigger person. Or maybe that's just my ego talking.

Why do people have to bring me down for no reason and even though I tell myself it's nothing it distracts me and the fact that it distracts me blows it out of proportion and pisses me off for caring but I also pride myself on being caring so I have to create a complex where it's only okay to care about things that give me positive emotions but then that's just not the real me, and the real me has to look at the upsetting things. I have to process all the things coming my way, good or bad, even at the risk of overthinking them. And if I put off processing my emotions then they fester and embed themselves deeper in myself than is healthy but then if I processed those negative emotions wouldn't that simultaneously validate them?

What can I do to stop my blood from boiling after it's started? Anger is really a crazy emotion.

I'm reminded of all the bad things I've been trying to forget about.

I can't believe that some people think they have the right to judge me, as if they have even the slightest clue what my life has been like, or anything going on, or that they know anything at all. It all bothers me.

Some people just like to build their house on my last nerve, and lately it's becoming a town of sorts, and it feels like everyday I just add more people to my list of those I don't fuck with. I hate that I'm discovering so much negativity in my heart because it's not familiar to me at all, and I recognize it as a new development that might be a reflection of my life as a whole, and I desperately want to avoid admitting that.

I'll try to take deep breaths and remind myself of the gems in my life that keep me going, but I see them so much less these days.

I guess I'll keep going in hope that things will get better, even though there's no indication that they will be anytime soon.

Today was a bad day, but maybe tomorrow will be different. I know that my entire mindset can change based on the smallest stimuli, and maybe it would have been a good day if someone smiled at me. And then maybe I should try giving smiles to other people, because I don't know what kind of day they're having.

Maybe I should cash in on my bad karma and commit an atrocity, and then everyone else would be in my position, and they would have to understand.
Or maybe I should try to be the best person I can just to spite the universe and everything it's done, as proof to myself I haven't been beat into submission. Then everyone will eventually see my character for what is is, resilient and powerful. Maybe I don't need any witnesses to be content in this life, and maybe I'm all I need.

And maybe the lonely path is the only path to greatness, insanity, or both.

But these are just the thoughts I have on bad days, and on good days, I don't care about the future or what other people think nearly as much (;

And my dreams on good days are so much sweeter, honestly. Hopefully I'll have those tomorrow.