Wonders of Nature: A Documentary on Canadians

The "Canadian" (Latin: O Canadias) is a unique species. They are found predominantly in an area north of the United States commonly referred to as "Canada" but may rarely be found anywhere in the world. They prefer cold climates and may collapse under extreme heat.


The female Canadian lays her eggs in frozen lakes or rivers in early spring, and 9-10 months later the eggs will hatch and a new Canadian will emerge from the ice and water.

The Canadian is born with the natural instinct to hunt and live off the land that surrounds them, feeding mostly on a sweet syrup that drips from the local trees. Though they have also been seen feeding on an odd combination of potatoes, cheese, and gravy.

Canadians are known for actively searching caffeine for energy after foraging all night. Many of them get this caffeine through a coffee-like substance nicknamed "Tim Hortons" by scientists.

Because "Canada" is mostly a desolate tundra other than the maple trees, Canadians do not have many materials to build shelters with. Other than snow, which they have evolved to use as an effective building block for their homes.

What makes the Canadian stand out from other species is their ability to communicate in a language similar to English, though with minor pronunciation differences such as pronouncing "ou" in "about" as "oo" as in "boot". They are also known to add an odd "eh" sound at the end of sentences, which has a significance not yet known to scientists. Canadians are also known to be a docile species, often apologizing to anyone or anything they have harmed to including each other. The exception to this is a playful behavior known as "hockey" where two teams of Canadians attempt to hit a small object into the opposing team's net. This pass-time often ends in violence.

If you see a wild Canadian in the forest, do not be afraid to approach them. They will most likely share some of their poutine with you or simply apologize for being in your way.

Spoiler: PSA, because I think it's necessary.

I'm a Canadian too, but if a lot of people are offended by this or the mods ain't happy with it I will take it down.
Sorry eh?

 

*insert NAILED IT gif here*

 

I really did not know if I should laugh or not.
Because I knew you were Canadian before I got down to the bottom of the thread, it is apparent that Canadians are not like that, especially you, which is a good thing. I am happy that you are different, as I would fall under the same criteria. excluding that one guy who does fit the stereotype, because there is always that one guy -/
Before I start saying stupid things or I turn to just rambling, I can see the effort put into this, and I appreciate it.

I know the thread is satire, but I was wanted to add to the PSA. Also, I was indirectly mentioned to go out and say this.

 

This was amazing/hilarious!
I think that anyone reading it would know its a joke.

 

Yeah but I feel like I have to put the disclaimer there anyways. Just in case someone DOES take it seriously and crap goes down. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Anyways, let's not dwell on that.

 

Fuk the school! this is better