February 17th 2017 I started to wake up because I felt too warm. My back was burning, and it felt like someone had turned on my heating pad. I pushed my blankets down and felt my back burning, but the sweat on my face and chest suddenly chilled me. I realized, someone must have turned on my fan as well! So, I jumped up and felt glass poke a hole in my toe, stepped away from the broken bulb pieces, and picked up the entire fan. Holding and looking at its unplugged cable, I carried the fan with me into the kitchen, and noticed the lights were all burned out, but led lights from my devices were blinking or pulsing, the fans motor was starting to spit sparks, and I looked out the window, using my fingers to peek through the blinds. I first noticed steam glowing around the also pulsing lamp posts along the street, but what freaked me out, was all the buildings as far as I could see, had pulsing lights as well. I looked away and stood alone. I thought to myself, I should pray or something, this is probably what high altitude nuclear bombs are like when they let off an EMP. I went to the window again, this time I see a group of people running and a few screams. I had sudden visons of a riot of people, rampaging, and looting I was afraid, and I felt panic. I quickly locked my front door, and almost ran to my empty spare bedroom. It only had a bedframe and mattress. I sat down on the floor, right in a sagging rotted spot, I was just about to hide under the bed itself when I heard the front door open. I froze and became quiet when I heard what appeared to be the laughter of a young child. I heard footsteps down the hallway, and a woman’s voice say, “I’ve found him, he’s in here”. My body froze, and I saw into the hallway as the door opened. I thought, this is it, I’m going to die, in my underwear. What stepped through that door, was NOT human. I seen a naked body, with grayish silvery skin, almost metallic, it scared me so much, my entire body began to spasm and my jaw clenched so hard I could feel ringing and blood pounding in my ears. The being stood still and tall above me as I looked at its grayish feet. I was scrambling through the shock of what was happening, intentionally looking up, I saw muscled legs, almost human, but not quite. I continued to look up, at its thin body until we made eye contact. The eyes I was seen, were what began to calm me down, these were very human looking eyes, with silver and gray highlighted with almost mirror like shiny flecks. I tried to speak, but could not, I tried to swallow, but my tongue swelled in the back of my mouth. I forced myself to speak, a nearly incoherent, quiet, “hi”, the being leaned down and continued to stare into my eyes. It spoke, in exactly the same garbled quiet voice I’d just sounded like. “hi” my eyes grew larger when it spoke. I was shocked and a lot less afraid for that moment. I swallowed, and slightly cleared my throat, still speaking through a shaking jaw with a swollen tongue, I barely managed to ask, “How are you?” still maintaining eye contact, I felt like it was laughing at me, its mouth opened wider, revealing white human-like teeth, the opening of its mouth almost formed a smile, and the eyes looked like they were smiling, she reached out towards me, quickly answering me, “I’m better than you!” it seemed to smile, and I glanced at its genderless body. All muscular, almost masculine, but something in my head, told me he was a she, and I looked as she brought her arms around me, her mouth opened, and she licked my lips, trying to kiss me. I wanted to resist, but part of me realized, I might die at any moment, so I reached up and kissed her back. The kiss we shared was awkward, reminding me now, of an awkward first kiss, like not knowing how to kiss but still trying. I felt her muscled chest against mine and woke up. February 19th, Saturday morning, I wake up and look at my tablet. ... it is nine am... I went to sleep on Thursday at 11pm. .. I remember everything so clearly, I sit and think as if recalling dream.. 34 hours. Have I been asleep for 34 hours straight! I hope this is was only a dream... but, I’m on the floor in my spare room and my heating blanket has melted into my bed in my room. The fan. It's in the kitchen. I hope this was all a dream.
A genuinely interesting story, but felt like pointing out a few mistakes...: Quotes are long, so I put separate sections to spoilers. Spoiler: Commas -Ease up on the commas. You can write long sentences to create momentum, and give the reader an effect they are actually the protagonist but you need to organize them well. Don't constantly put commas, you don't have to. You can remove the comma after away. Short sentences can make a great effect, but try to refrain from adding commas to them - they aren't necessary here. Remove these commas: There are many other ones which will take lots of time to post, so I'll just show you in my version. You can probably work out the rest, anyway. Spoiler: Tenses -Incorrect tenses seen > saw "I saw into the hallway" doesn't sound as good, so you could replace that with a better word. Spoiler: Spelling/grammar -Spelling errors/grammar errors out the window Extra space after "child" Extra space after "happening", comma shouldn't be spaced out It should be ;happening, intentio' Extra space after "wider", read previous quote human-like straight genderless barely It's Spoiler: My corrected version -Corrected I added all my corrections to save you time, and here it is. There were more commas to remove than what I shown, you can probably notice theme in the text. Also, I changed "seen" in some cases to "have seen". I started to wake up because I felt too warm. My back was burning, and it felt like someone had turned on my heating pad. I pushed my blankets down and felt my back burning, but the sweat on my face and chest suddenly chilled me. I realized, someone must have turned on my fan as well! So, I jumped up and felt glass poke a hole in my toe, stepped away from the broken bulb pieces, and picked up the entire fan. Holding and looking at its unplugged cable, I carried the fan with me into the kitchen, and noticed the lights were all burned out, but led lights from my devices were blinking or pulsing, the fans motor was starting to spit sparks, and I looked out the window, using my fingers to peek through the blinds. I first noticed steam glowing around the also pulsing lamp posts along the street, but what freaked me out, was all the buildings as far as I could see, had pulsing lights as well. I looked away and stood alone. I thought to myself, I should pray or something, this is probably what high altitude nuclear bombs are like when they let off an EMP. I went to the window again, this time I see a group of people running and a few screams. I had sudden visons of a riot of people, rampaging, and looting I was afraid, and I felt panic. I quickly locked my front door, and almost ran to my empty spare bedroom. It only had a bedframe and mattress. I sat down on the floor, right in a sagging rotted spot, I was just about to hide under the bed itself when I heard the front door open. I froze and became quiet when I heard what appeared to be the laughter of a young child. I heard footsteps down the hallway, and a woman’s voice say, “I’ve found him, he’s in here”. My body froze, and I saw into the hallway as the door opened. I thought, this is it, I’m going to die, in my underwear. What stepped through that door, was NOT human. I seen a naked body, with grayish silvery skin, almost metallic, it scared me so much, my entire body began to spasm and my jaw clenched so hard I could feel ringing and blood pounding in my ears. The being stood still and tall above me as I looked at its grayish feet. I was scrambling through the shock of what was happening, intentionally looking up, I saw muscled legs, almost human, but not quite. I continued to look up, at its thin body until we made eye contact. The eyes I was seen, were what began to calm me down, these were very human looking eyes, with silver and gray highlighted with almost mirror like shiny flecks. I tried to speak, but could not, I tried to swallow, but my tongue swelled in the back of my mouth. I forced myself to speak, a nearly incoherent, quiet, “hi”, the being leaned down and continued to stare into my eyes. It spoke, in exactly the same garbled quiet voice I’d just sounded like. “hi” my eyes grew larger when it spoke. I was shocked and a lot less afraid for that moment. I swallowed, and slightly cleared my throat, still speaking through a shaking jaw with a swollen tongue, I barely managed to ask, “How are you?” still maintaining eye contact, I felt like it was laughing at me, its mouth opened wider, revealing white human-like teeth, the opening of its mouth almost formed a smile, and the eyes looked like they were smiling, she reached out towards me, quickly answering me, “I’m better than you!” it seemed to smile, and I glanced at its genderless body. All muscular, almost masculine, but something in my head, told me he was a she, and I looked as she brought her arms around me, her mouth opened, and she licked my lips, trying to kiss me. I wanted to resist, but part of me realized, I might die at any moment, so I reached up and kissed her back. The kiss we shared was awkward, reminding me now, of an awkward first kiss, like not knowing how to kiss but still trying. I felt her muscled chest against mine and woke up. February 19th, Saturday morning, I wake up and look at my tablet. ... it is nine am... I went to sleep on Thursday at 11pm. .. I remember everything so clearly, I sit and think as if recalling dream.. 34 hours. Have I been asleep for 34 hours straight! I hope this is was only a dream... but, I’m on the floor in my spare room and my heating blanket has melted into my bed in my room. The fan. It's in the kitchen. I hope this was all a dream. Sorry if me doing all this came across as rude or anything, but I used to do stuff like this on other websites and in school etc. I suppose seeing as you posted it public, it's fine.
