3 years !!

I’m not sure how to start this thread. I’ve worked on it for a while and I’d hoped that when I finished I’d have an idea of what I wanted to introduce it with, but I don’t.

Today (oldly and unsurely, lol) hits the day that I’ve been on here for 3 years now. I wish that I could be like, “hey, tbh and ama lol”, but I can’t. I’m generally an extremely emotional person if people get to know me. With that factor in mind, obviously I’m going to have to say more than a few thank you’s and make amends with people. I’m sure I’ll be overly nervous to post this because nobody has seen this type of side of me or really known all the details, but I think people should get to know me because I’m more than I let on. My statuses of song quotes, ranting information pages indirectly yet obviously targeted to people, and gossip that’s literally entertained me has been the only thing people truly know of me. Those may be the negatives, but people also know me because I’m loud, and I know how to make some of you laugh. I don’t want to sound egotistical but in all means this is only honesty, truly.


I can’t really remember the first day that I joined the server. All I remember is that it must’ve been around the time right after I purchased Minecraft (2013). I was desperate and I didn’t really know how to use it (which by the way, I still don’t) so I went on YouTube and I searched up some video on IP addresses for popular servers. I watched this video and I tried all the IP’s in it, and only like 3 worked. I remember watching video after video on how to get Minecraft to work on my crappy 2011 laptop that would burn my 11 year old legs while it overheated. I wanted to purchase Minecraft for a while before I did, but my dad had said no every time I’d asked. I was literally such a trouble-maker. I didn’t get along with any of my siblings, I probably got suspended from school 3 times that year, and I was pretty lonely. I only had one friend that I met when I first moved to Qatar. I’m not going to disclose her name only because she’s moved on from the forums because it’s caused conflict within her irl the minute she began using it. She still plays on the server, and those of you close to me might have a guess as to who she is. She introduced me to the game and had bragging rights until I actually purchased it myself.


We would skype for hours and hours and hours and play together on servers like ZetaForce, MultiCube, and so on. She would get annoyed with me because I would always be on Spleef talking with my new friends. I still have contact with a few of the people I first met on here. I spent pretty much my first year on Spleef and Spleef only. Occasionally I’d play OITC, but by Spleef only I literally meant I would log onto the server in Spleef, and if entered in the lobby, go to Spleef and not really go to any other server. I was literally the cringiest, most thirsty, drama-filled 11/12 year old you can possibly imagine. I didn’t know any of the rules at all, so I was generally just a bitch, which was honestly my personality for years (and I still have it within me). I met a lot of the people that I still talk to on there, and eventually one day I was playing OITC and I was accused of hacking. I wasn’t really hacking, I barely knew how to play Minecraft, but the person who accused and reported me made me feel special because at the time they were probably the best OITC player- lmao. I literally skyped my Spleef friends (who still play on here!!) and asked them to help me get myself unbanned! I was literally having a heart attack because I had no clue what had happened. I made my first forums account and made a ban appeal right after I knew how to. I can’t remember clearly, but I’m pretty sure my child self used some pretty strong language and I was finally unbanned after a few hours, thanks to Xenon. I’d really wanted to be staff after a while, which honestly- if that had happened back then, it’d be a huge huge mistake because a) I didn’t know the rules, b) I’d never been a staff member before, and c) I was 12. I applied and waited but nothing seemed to be happening. I’d been critiqued on my staff application but for the most part I had good feedback. I did what I could to fix it. I was super active, even before I applied, but I never got staff. Eventually when I became more familiar with the forums and other servers within the Network, I closed my application and fixed things. I read the rules, I read the requirements, I familiarized myself with simple Minecraft staff commands, how to actually play the game, and such. I reapplied later on, and basically repeated the same cycle over and over again which I will explain more further and further into this as I grew to understand the community and how to use the forums/Minecraft.


I’ve made three different accounts on the forums, and I’ve believed myself to change and come back as a “new person” each time, but I’ve recently realized that I’ve been the same person all along. That doesn’t mean nothing’s changed. I’ve come back with a new persona each time. My first account was sort of like my cringy and immature stage. I dated like eighty people and I reapplied around six times. I was not lonely, Minecraft was like my little safe home because I was having such a hard time in real life with school and all, that it made me happy and I didn’t want to give it up. My parents were always disappointed in me up until recently. I didn’t really care about school, my social life, or my actions and their outcomes pretty much at all. I’d just talk back to my teachers at school, skip classes, come home- and play Minecraft with my friends. They tried to put me in therapy at one point, people thought that something was actually mentally wrong about me, which happened to be true. I already knew I had ADHD, but I was working with some anger management issues. It was nothing ever major, my family members expected something of that sort because no other student was as dumb as I was at school. Nobody was on the verge of expulsion literally every few months. Either way I stopped going to therapy after a while because it wasn’t really helping and it was extremely expensive- I lived in Qatar, which so happened to be a pretty freakin’ rich country. I was very very slowly maturing, but at least I was making progress.


Then, I made another account. I played the “done with all this dramatic bullshit fuck my life im leaving this server” card and then tried to pretend like I was someone else. I guess that person grew on me because I changed quite a lot. Obviously, I grew a year or 2 in between- literally, I matured a little more, but this was my worst time in this community. I was an extremely pessimistic person and I always pretended like I was an innocent child. I became so negative at points and I always wondered why I was hurt so easily, or why I was beginning to lose my friends- I didn’t realize that I was pushing everything away and placing negativity as my priority. I kept reapplying in hopes of getting staff because I really wanted it. Eventually (I thought) that I gave up and closed my application. I applied to be staff on Omega Realm and literally worked for a really freaking long time on my application. I was accepted, and probably wouldn’t have been if it weren’t for one of my closest friends being on the staff team. It grew on me eventually but the main reason I had applied was because I wanted to a) gain some experience, b) prove to everyone that I knew what I was doing, and c) kind of show the management team “who’s boss” or what I sort of thought last year. I applied there to benefit in some sort of twisted way for here. Like I said, it grew on me and when I was promoted I was super happy. I had a lot of fun with the staff team there and though it was for only a small amount of time, it meant a lot more. Eventually I resigned for a lot of reasons. The first reason was because I still really wanted to be staff on here, and I felt like if I was staff on Omega at the same time that I had opened my new app (which I did after getting accepted on Omega), then it would make my chances of getting staff on Jerry and Harry harder since I was “more active” there or because I would have to set my priorities (I was proved wrong obviously by a staff member who recently resigned that was staff on two servers who did really freaking good and at the same time was and is still one of the sweetest people I know). Another reason was because my computer had stopped working and I was going to be inactive anyways with my new school and new social life and all that bullshit when I came back to America. When the summer rolled over and was about to end, I ended it there and regretted it right after (which will also be addressed). Basically throughout the whole of 2015 I was struggling to figure out who I was, in both the cheesy and non-cheesy way. I was confused about both my sexuality and gender, which led me to make some choices that I do regret, and some that I don’t. My pessimism bit my ass when I realized what I’d done and by the time 2016 rolled around I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. Eighth grade was halfway done and I was playing Minecraft. My friends sarcastically made fun of me for it but I laughed at myself about it, but I was totally conscious. There were so many reasons why I thought I should leave, so being myself I decided to “leave”, but came back with a new account which is this one right now.


When I made this account I again, tried to pretend like it wasn’t me. I was hoping that then people would accept me as a newcomer and I didn’t really want to be well-known at that point. I had moved on from Spleef and the 11-13 year old me and I was about to be 14. I wanted to think highly of myself but it was difficult. I was not the source of the negativity in my life at that point. First of all, I was still recovering from living a year alone with my dad. It was difficult for me. I didn’t have any woman by my side and I was literally going through puberty. I found it so much better here in America, but my family was going through a really difficult time that made it hard for me to stay happy. Secondly, I stopped paying attention to my mental health and tried to find balance in the imbalance. I would tell myself I was altruistic and try to be there for people when the past me was so not approachable. Nobody wanted my advice because I had made the same mistakes they did. I was also going through a difficult time with one of my closest friends and I was honestly really hurt. I was so hormonal and I think that even though that, I did way better than I did at the beginning of this year than in 2015. I still really wanted staff, so I was literally a try-hard. At some point I tried reporting over and over again in hopes of it increasing my chances but it did nothing. I was well aware of my behavior and that it was the reason I wasn’t achieving my goal, but I didn’t want to believe it so every time I’d feel down, I’d find someone else to blame it on. I was going through a difficult time with all of my friendships both in real life and online. I was so unhealthy and unhappy with myself that I thought focusing on anything other than myself would help fix me eventually, but it just ruined everything. I lost friends over and over again and I was deserted. Eventually I associated myself with one friend group and pretty much ditched every other of my online friends. I think that was a big mistake. I regret focusing myself on such a large group of people that only put me down everytime rather than the friends I had here and there that knew when I was upset and what not. I don’t regret the friendship I had with the people in that friend group, I’m still best friends with some of those people, but what had me upset was that they claimed that they truly knew me and were my “best friends” when I was really struggling and they couldn’t tell at all. In public I’m such the brightest person (when I’m not talking shit or in a pissy mood), so I see where it makes sense for nobody to see the truth. I was having difficulties with the one person who knew me the best and I didn’t want to repeat my life story to such a large group of people that I didn’t fully trust. I just kept to myself and now and then when the little things that made me upset piled up, I’d end up bursting and doing something really shitty or stupid. I don’t not blame myself for anything. Heck, I’m glad I’m not friends with the few people who’ve abandoned me over petty small fights. I don’t hate anyone, I have never come close to hating anyone in this community. I have so much respect for every single person here, the ways I show it differ (trust me). I’m not pointing fingers and if you think this is about you, it probably isn’t. I’ve realized who were the few people who would be there for me no matter whatever the heck I did stupidly over a Minecraft server. I forgot often that this was a Minecraft server. The first few months of 2016 were extremely difficult for me.


A little before the summer of this year rolled over, I began to focus a little more on myself. My parents had gotten divorced, and it never became clear to me how much it affected me until now, but I was definitely in such a better place. I took most of the summer off from the community which was probably a really good decision on my part. I’m glad that I did it because I kept contact with a few people who mean the world to me and they helped me heal everything that needed to be healed. I had a rough start to the year with some dumb drama, but since I’ve started high school, I’m glad to have something as my priority rather my online life because that’s unhealthy in my case.


I am genuine when I say this place has turned me into who I am right now. It’s shaped me up into the kid that I am which is not something I’m completely un/fond of. I’ve missed so many key components to my “journey” on here but that’s okay because I still remember them and some of them don’t really need to be repeated/shared/


Though I’ve been going through some extremely difficult things, I’m definitely doing way way way better than I was when I first joined and that’s basically the point of this thread- to address how much this place can do. I’ve said ‘I’ so many times in this but I don’t want to say names because it could cause unneeded conflict.


The people who’ve been here for me this whole time are those who don’t need to be addressed, as do anyone, but they really know who they are because I’m there for them too. The people who’ve been bystanders are also extremely meaningful because they’ve really just watched me turn into this all by myself.


Lastly, the people who I’ve disappointed, hurt, fought with, ignored and so on are the most important in here because even though I can say the meanest things about anyone of you as can anyone. . I am sad that we've ended our relationship in this way but if it's a mutual belief that it's not for the best, then we can talk about it anytime. I still love you all so much, I have really weird ways of showing it, but we all do. In the end we may make up, and if we don’t, everything will be worth it in the end. If you don’t see it now, you’ll see it soon I hope.


So here’s to another 3 years?


ps. you can ask for a tbh and ask me anything if you want lol

 

Holy, that is insanely long. Other than that, congratulations on 3 years! Hoping for more years to come!

Q: How long did it take you to write all of that?

 

I wrote most of it in late September but I never posted it because I didn't want to for a while after
I kind of just sat down and typed it all lol

 

I read it all :)
Congrats on three years

 

Thank you

 

my time was not wasted reading all of that, was quite fun, and I still kinda remember a few of the things on there. (divorce, the friend group)

tbh? i know it's been a long time since we talked, but eh i'm bored
ama: why did you date like 80 people online when you were 12

 

to be honest miner you've made a big impact on my time here because your friendship was mostly about us just being friends (i realiezed i worded that wrong what i meant is that we actually spent time together and hung out and played minecraft lol)which is not something easy to forget
between us personally, there was rarely drama (im not saying there wasnt anything) but we always got over our little petty fights or things we caught for each other while off guard. you're a really good person and while I wish you'd be more active if you're doing good irl which you've claimed you are then i want what is best for you.

lmao if i take a trip down memory lane i think i just wanted to be noticed because I was a new player in the first year and everything seemed like a popularity contest to me

there are some relationships that ive been on here that are not meaningless if anything, still mean a lot to me and ive moved on from them i believe but the thought of them does either make me feel down or happy depending on the way it had ended and my stance with that person right now

 

congratsss safa tbh?

 

thanks chris!
To be honest you're a really funny and super chill person. I'm glad to have met you and when I first did I got really positive vibes from you, you've turned out to be a really kind person and you make me feel comfortable talking to you about things. you're also a good listener and I hope that you know that I can return the favor whenever

 

I read that all & honestly it was really worth it.

congratulations!!
tbh?

 

thanks for reading the whole thing!
to be honest vanessa, we've never gotten to know each other but every now and then we can hold a conversation which is good. i think you're a pretty person and i'd love to get to know you better.

thanks noah!
to be honest, we used to be friends a while back and i can hardly remember it all but what I do remember is that you were and still are a fun person to talk with. congratulations on being promoted!

 

Congrats safa on three years!
it's been great watching you grow into the beautiful and kind person you are today.
tbh? X ❤️

 

This was defiantly worth the read, Stellarite.
Congratulations for being here for 3 years. That's a long time! You're such a dedicated player of the server, it's great to have people like you around! <33
AMA: Best moments on the server?
TBH?

 

This is the length of my midterm essay oml

 

I've read it all, it was worth reading. It's good, that you're self-conscious.
Congratulations on 3 years, Safa. BTW, hi. I was a friend of yours, but things got complex for us both. It has been awhile, and a lot sure has changed.
It's great to see you change for the best, and with true honesty.

If you'd want, I'd like to try to renew our friendship. A "new page", you could say. Even though I'm kinda anti-social and lose interest in people at this point of my life, I'd like to try again, tbh.
PM me, if you want to know who I am + TBH on the way, too. There was stuff, that I wanted to say to you, as well. If I'll recall them, I'll tell you so.

 

Wow... that's a lot of dedication put into this.


Congrats on 3 years. :D

 

thank you beautiful c:
in a weird way in the past I think we didn't get along and I'm honestly not sure why
you're a very sweet, kind, and pretty person and you send me some funny af snaps so thank you for making me the weird one laughing in biology class at 8am while people are working haha

thank you <33
ama- the best moments for me on the server were the end of 2015 (also my somewhat my worst) but since there was such a mix I think i could stay sane xD
I was really happy at that time and that's something I will cherish

to be honest you are very very very pretty and kind and you've never faltered at all which makes me think it's so true the way that you act
i hope that you know that since you're so sweet for me and welcome me to talk whenever it's mutual, im here for you whenever!

lmfao xD

hey! im sorry to say that im not sure who you are but i will make an effort at a second go, hopefully we can make it last this time (:
ill pm you the tbh as soon as you let me know who you are, id be glad to have a fresh start either way

thank you and yeah! it's really worth it and honestly i could go on and on with the fill of experiences i left out but i guess this was quite the summary itself
thank you very much!

 

Congrats, tbh?

 

CONGRATZZZZZZZ
tbh pls? :---)